Daily Archives: June 21, 2011

i am a drama queen (a repost)

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For a person like me who has this constant need to reinvent and improve* herself, writing is therapeutic and sharing my thoughts to those who care to read is relieving.

I’ve been gone for a while. Way back, I felt a need to keep my thoughts to myself. I was hurting then and seeing my deepest emotions and bitterness translated into words didn’t help. I didn’t want to expose my broken heart for all the world to see when I was in denial myself.

Between then and now, a lot of things has transpired. God heeded my prayers. I made big decisions and leaps of faith. I quit my first job, fell in love, moved to Ireland, been to Paris. I bought my Imac, met new friends, got lectured by my South African partner, been to the pub (trying to ignore persistent irishmen – i’m not into foreigners), broke up and got together with my boyfriend, tendered my resignation. All of these in the span of one adventurous and refreshing year. Can’t say life is dull at all.

I feel like i’m alice in wonderland. I’m in a twilight zone. Things that happened were too good to be real. It’s like i’m in a vacation and I have a job in the sideline. After more than 6 months in Dublin, I still feel like a tourist. The downside was that my career’s gone down the drain and distance just isn’t easy on lovers.

I’m awakening from a pleasant dream. It’s time to live the real life again. And although it hurts to grow up, the pain is enlightening. Maybe, after a year, i’m a woman who now knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go for it even if it means giving up some good things.

I am a drama queen and my life is never naught of drama.

Lianne 2007

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the roller coaster ride called life

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I have come a long way. There was a time (seems like a hundred years ago) when I wanted to ask God to stop the ride and let me get off. I fervently wished I would drop dead to end my misery. I’m glad I didn’t. I’m truly grateful that I held on and let the bad phase pass. When I look back, I could see clearly that whatever burden I was carrying then was so petty I should be ashamed for almost giving up. But I was barely a teenager at that time and my idea of what is important was limited.
I can’t say that I have truly grown or matured but in a way, I believe that I have gained wisdom through the years. I have not been through catastrophic situations that are ‘Maalala Mo Kaya’ material but I have experienced enough pain and I have scars to show for them. I also know that I have the tendency to be melancholic and make things look a little more dramatic than they truly are. That is the way I cope with life.

Anyway, I don’t mean to present a lonely mood in this blog. I just wanted to share this idea that life is just a cycle – sometimes you’re really way down and sometimes you’re really way up and sometimes life is just a dull lull you can almost go to sleep. Ngork! I had known for a long time that problems and miseries do pass and that the good times always come but that reality still amazes me from time to time. Most of us can think of a situation that we never thought we would ever get through but we did and that at the end of the day, we’re better persons because that not-so-pretty event happened. And for most us, those mind-wrenching, soul-breaking heartbreaks stem from L-O-V-E, love.

Sometime in 2006, in between two love ‘affairs’ of my life (one in which I hurt someone and one in which I was hurt by someone – talk about karma!), i wrote this:

Do you believe in magic? I do. Somehow, time has a way of melting away bitterness for things one can’t have, healing scars for hurts caused by unexpected twists of fate, and giving one a new perspective and fresh hope for the future even with regards to matters of the heart.

I’ve lied to myself for some time. It’s ironic how I bravely admitted to falling out of love but not to faling in love. But I do realize that only with acceptance can I truly move on.

My heart has a mind of its own and like its owner, it’s smart and sensible and smiling, optimistic that as the old year gives in to the new, magic is going to happen and this time, it will be for keeps.

lianne – 27/12/2006

While I was reading this, I couldn’t help but smile and give myself a pat in the back. After all, I was really good in fooling myself, was I not? That entry was bitter (bitter!)…and hopeful at the same time. And I guess it worked because I believed myself and eventually found love again.

It was not an easy struggle. One can never get over a heartbreak without grieving and being bitter and asking the ever-so popular question ‘why’ or if you tend to be more positive, ‘why not?’ over and over again. But I had the sanity to do one right thing and that is to pray. I asked God for forgiveness for hurting someone and forgiveness for hurting myself. I asked God to grant me the strength to accept the things that I can not change. I asked God for world peace (toink!).

He doesn’t grant every prayer and I’ll never know why. All I know is that He granted all my prayers that truly mattered.

After all these years, here’s what I conclude, all I really need is to believe that things happen for a good reason.

And to stop searching for that reason. =D

P.s. This is a repost from a blog in 2007 I already forgot about. Hubby sent me the post.