Monthly Archives: March 2012

no excuses


I hate afternoon naps because each and every time I take one, I wake up feeling bad or nursing a headache.

A lot of thoughts are running through my head but my emotions wouldn’t connect, making them seem like a million miles away. But I don’t want the day to end without me capturing some of those thoughts and getting in touch with my current feelings… some sort of breather, an outlet.

Last Friday, our son’s pediatrician finally (though awfully belatedly) confirmed that he has kawasaki disease. What’s worse is that, his sickness is pass the so-called “golden period” of detection and medication of 10 days. The first questions to my and my husband’s minds were: “what kind of pediatrician would fail to diagnose the disease even though the idea was already brought up by another doctor? and what kind of parents are we to ‘allow’ the doctor not to diagnose our son properly and not to have asked for more tests to be done, not to have been more observant? why didn’t we resort to a more in-depth research in google and made our own ‘diagnosis’?”

I’ve always known I was not the best mother. I am an absentee mommy. I thought motherly love (ie. lots of hugs and kisses), best intentions and financial support were enough to protect and help my son grow up. In real life, motherhood is much much more than that. I don’t have the answers though on how I could be better at this. I feel that I already wasted too much time and opportunities to make things right as a mother. My son is almost three. Can I still make it up to him?

I would soon be back to work and realistically speaking, I would soon be so absorbed in my job that I would soon forget my resolve to be a better mother. It’s a cycle I can’t seem to break. I need help so badly. For underprivileged moms like me, we can only do so much. Still, I should give it a try. No ifs, no buts.